5 Tips for Leaders to Improve Receiving Difficult Feedback
What I thought was going to be a typical 1:1 meeting, turned into a discussion that cut to my core. One of my employees had been stewing for over a week about a comment I had made about his work that had negatively impacted him in a significant way. I was stunned to say the least. It was extremely hard to hear, but I knew it was important that I thoroughly understand what I had done and how it affected him so I could repair the situation and learn what not to do moving forward. So, I took a deep breath and prepared to receive some very difficult feedback.
As leaders, we have ample opportunity to give difficult feedback, but we typically don’t get a lot of practice and training on receiving it. According to Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone who wrote, Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (Even When It Is Off-Base, Unfair, Poorly Delivered, and Frankly You’re Not in the Mood), nearly everyone from the C-suite to new hires struggle with receiving feedback. However, the good news is we can get better at it which is especially important for leaders.
Receiving difficult feedback with humility and skill is key to having a strong leadership presence. Not only that, it helps leaders to better serve their people which contributes to greater engagement and results.
Here are some things you can put into practice right away to improve your skills in receiving difficult feedback.
1. Don’t wait for feedback, seek it out.
Asking for feedback shows you care and that you want to improve. It also sets a great example for others. If a leader is willing to receive difficult feedback and handles it well, it’s likely others will follow. Seeking feedback doesn’t have to be only at review time or during employee engagement surveys. One simple way to get regular feedback is to ask, “What is one thing I could do better next time?” or, “What is one thing you recommend I work on improving in the next 30 days?” Asking for “one thing” makes it easier for the other person to respond and is also easier for you to digest and act upon.
2. Receive feedback with humility.
It is hard not to take feedback personally and to not get defensive. Receiving feedback with humility builds trust and earns respect. No one is perfect and everyone has opportunities for growth – including the “boss.” It’s okay to be vulnerable; it sets a good example for others and helps others to see you as authentic.
3. Ask for more information and examples.
Often times, the initial feedback we get is vague or difficult to decipher. Asking open ended, clarifying questions like, “tell me more about what you mean,” or “help me specifically understand when you have seen me do that,” allows us to better process and respond to the feedback. Even if we feel someone is off base, examining their feedback more closely helps us to identify potential blind spots or determine what we should monitor about ourselves.
4. Know your feedback triggers.
A feedback trigger “sets off” something in us that causes a strong internal or external response. When my employee shared that I had negatively impacted him, it hit me hard because I am strongly motivated to impact people in a positive way (not negatively!). Positive impact is part of my leadership identity. If he had told me he was concerned that I was constantly late to meetings, I would have received it and responded, but it would have stung a lot less since it isn’t tied to one of my core leadership traits. Knowing your feedback triggers, helps you proactively plan to be more emotionally prepared to receive the feedback when it comes.
5. Extend grace and take action.
Extending grace to ourselves and to the person sharing the feedback is important. Spinning on negative feedback and beating ourselves up can prevent us from learning from it. And harboring hard feelings toward the person sharing the feedback can undermine trust and deter them and others from sharing important feedback in the future. When we extend grace, it helps us to keep our emotions in check so that we can determine the best action to take.
What started as an extremely difficult 1:1 meeting for me, turned out to be one of the most fruitful and productive I’ve ever had. As a result of the difficult feedback I received, I was able to listen, learn and adjust to better support my employee, and it increased my self-awareness, helping me to better lead.
What can you do immediately to improve your “receiving feedback” skills? Put these tips into action now and you will experience the benefits of growth and increased leadership presence.